October 28th

The Walking Dead 5.15: "Try" (2015) directed by Michael E. Satrazemis
All of this Alexandria intro stuff happened in the comics like five years ago, so I'm struggling to remember how the story went then. From what I recall, this episode -- at least the bit with Rick fighting Pete over his abusiveness -- seems ripped right out of the pages. I dig that. Though I seriously doubt that Deanna -- the equivalent to the leader of Alexandria in the comics -- is going to shoot out Carl's eyeball, but I could be wrong. That would make for an intense season finale.


Freddy vs. Jason (2003) directed by Ronny Yu

Robert Englund as Freddy
Ken Kirzinger as Jason
13 Aug 2003

Freddy vs. Jason XVIII: Friends Forever
After 17 movies and 23 years, the dynamic duo of slasher films finally meet. Was it worth it? Eh, it's a better swan song for the pair than their respective death movies were, though that's not saying too much.

Springwood has managed to forget Freddy, which is quite a feat considering the state of the place just 4 years ago in which crazy teachers were openly discussing "Freddy 101." Following Nancy's theory from Part 1 that ignoring the dream demon will take his power away, the entire town decides to never mention Freddy's name, censors all newspaper articles about the guy, and locks away any teens having dreams about him in Westin Hills where they are doped up on Part 3's anti-dream med Hypnocil. It works and Freddy loses the ability to do much of anything. To solve this issue, Freddy yanks Jason out of Hell and convinces him to walk over to Springwood to strike up some terror.

That's all well and good, but what about the teenagers who must fight both of these monsters simultaneously? Not so good. This is one of my least favorite casts from all 18 of these things. Monica Keena is horrible in the lead, lacking the inner strength to give her character any gravitas. Singer Kelly Rowland is even worse, demonstrating high school play-levels of performance. As for the rest of the cast, I can barely remember any details about them (one was a nerd and one was stoner, I know that) as they are completely forgettable. Worse, in order to move the plot along, these characters have an uncanny ability to figure out exactly what is going on. For example, apropo of absolutely nothing, Keena's Lori randomly blurts out: "Freddy's afraid of fire. Jason's afraid of water. How can we use that?" Okey-dokey then.

Teen plot-wise, there's an uninteresting B-story in which Monica's "true love" -- at the age of 14, no less -- disappears and breaks her heart. There's an uninteresting C-story in which this true love thinks he saw Lori's dad killing her mother... but it was really Freddy. There's a completely irrelevant D-story in which Kia wants a nose job (huh?). It feels like all of these stuff was thrown into the script as filler, which it may well have been.

Because, that's not really what we're watching this movie for, is it? All we really want to see is Freddy and Jason interacting for the first time and fighting each other. That they do, and it's... OK. The main problem is that these two characters are so completely different that it barely makes any sense to have them battle in the first place. While Freddy is in the dreamworld with Jason, he is all-powerful and unstoppable. When Freddy is yanked into the real world, he's just a skinny guy with four little knives fighting an immortal powerhouse. They do their best to make Freddy a challenge for Jason -- including making him do some silly kung-fu kicking on the big guy -- but ultimately there's nothing that Freddy can do that will ever take Jason down. Either way, the fight is destined to be lop-sided.

Still, it was a kick to see these two characters on screen at the same time. I kind of wish this had become a huge hit, if only to turn this "monster vs. monster" idea into a Hollywood film cycle. I suppose I can settle for awesome superhero shared universe movies instead as a replacement...

Favorite Character
Freeburg (Kyle Labine): The requisite stoner character who decides that the middle of a break-in of a psychiatric hospital is the perfect time to light up a jay. Unphased when speaking to a giant caterpillar.

Favorite Sin
Smoking a doobie in the middle of a break-in of a psychiatric hospital.

Favorite Kill
Shack (Chris Gauthier), who gets a flaming machete thrown through his chest after setting Jason on fire with Everclear.

Freddy's Mood
Desperately trying to get back to that 1980s feeling.

Jason's Mood
Robotic.

September 26th

Fear Itself: "In Sickness and in Health" (2008) directed by John Landis
Jesus, as soon as I saw the writing and directing credits...  Really?  Both Victor Salva and John Landis working on the same project?  And the very first shot is of two children playing?  Really?

Ignoring all that, I have to admit the episode started out promising.  At her wedding, a bride is given an anonymous note that reads: "the person you're marrying is a serial killer."  That sort of ruins her big day and she begins to freak out about her fiancé.  At this point, none of the characters' actions make any kind of sense.  When the newly-wedded husband confronts his wife about her strange behavior, he inexplicably decides to scare her and chase her around the church.  He then calms down, admits that he had dinner with another woman during their engagement and asks for forgiveness.  We then discover that the note had been delivered to the wrong person and the wife is actually a serial killer.  Which makes absolutely no sense.  If she's a serial killer, why would she have been so bothered to think she was marrying one?  If she's a cold-blooded killer, why was she so afraid of her husband?  And what was the point of the twin uncles at the wedding?  What a complete mess of a story.


Fear Itself: "Family Man" (2008) directed by Ronny Yu
A remake of Ernest Goes to Jail.  Really, sort of, except without the electricity powers.  An upstanding citizen and a serial killer's souls get swapped into the wrong bodies.  Hijinx ensue and there's a twist ending.  The idea that a serial killer is in your house, with your family, pretending to be you is quite terrifying.  But, not really in this episode.  Once he becomes a family man, the killer kinda just becomes an asshole dad, like the kind of guy that gets angry at Little League games.  Yeah, he ends up killing them at the end, but it seems like it's more for the twist ending than anything.


The Graves (2009) directed by Brian Pulido
It's pretty clear Brian Pulido's a fellow horror geek.  He got Texas Chainsaw 2's Bill Moseley, Candyman's Tony Todd and even Elm Street's Amanda Wyss to star.  He made himself a sort of vaguely lovecraftian slasher hybrid that feels like an old-school horror movie.  So, as a horror brother, it pains me to say that this is a turd of film.

I suppose this is telegraphed right at the start when two improbably pretty comic shop patrons pick out their favorite issues (which happen to be written by the director for Avatar) as the director makes sure we get a good look at the website address of the store which happens to be written on a giant banner at the top of the frame. Ostensibly, this is character development for the two girls, but, come on, man.  Plugging your stuff is okay, but let's try to be a bit more subtle, eh?

The story is pretty standard: girls go to an out-of-the-way tourist trap where the main business happens to be tourist murder.  Instead of a cannibal family or mutants or a masked killer, the tourist trap houses an invisible savior that a cult provides human sacrifices to.  There's a lot of running around the tourist trap with the crazed cultists wielding knives and the girls screaming.  There's an obligatory scene where the girls escape and flag down a car, only to discover the driver is a part of the cult.  In fact, this happens again later in the movie when the ask a waitress at a restaurant for help.  When the stronger of the girls is hurt, the weaker one finds the strength inside to overcome their adversity.  Standard stuff.

Maybe this unoriginality might not have been so bad if the film had been shot with some style.  Alas, it's pretty clear this is the director's first film.  It's not just the choice of shots or lighting or bad CGI blood, but it's the little things, too.  Often, the dialog is difficult to hear, likely because they both didn't mic it correctly and didn't bother to ADR over the inaudible parts.  In one scene, it seems like they forgot to shoot a reverse angle for a conversation.  What's we're left with in the movie are two people on screen talking to someone else just a little off screen, while never seeing the off screen person's face when it's their turn to talk.  When there is a different angle to cut to, it rarely matches the first angle.  Lots of heads and arms suddenly changing position and the like.

The only nice thing I have to say about this film: it's short.  Cutting the (overlong but slick) credits, there's probably only about 75 minutes of movie here.  Still, I haven't had to check the clock this much during a movie in quite a while. (4/10)

SWH: 2005 (26)

Merrie Melodies: "Claws for Alarm" (1954)
Not quite as good as "Scaredy Cat"; not sure why the mice wanted to kill Porky, anyway. (7/10)
[watched with P]

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
The blood sprays, not many slow spots and Freddy and Jason really do beat the hell out of eachother. (8/10)
[watched with P]

Tales from the Crypt: "Collection Completed" (1989)
Utterly predictable but with some fairly fun performances. (6/10)
[watched with C]

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Two more days 'til Halloween, Halloween... Silver Shamrock! (8/10)
[watched with C]

The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror 05-1: The Shinning" (1994)
Still the masterpiece of the Simpsons Halloween shorts. (9/10)
[watched with C]

Tales from the Crypt: "Dead Right" (1990)
Pretty standard, by great Jeffrey Tambor performance. (7/10)
[watched with C]

Dracula's Daughter (1936)
Love the implied lesbianism; too bad Whale didn't direct. (7/10)