October 30th

The traditional bucket of corn syrup.

Saw 3D (2010) directed by Kevin Greutert
Hey, my predications after watching VI weren't too far off, except for the Jill part.  And the dead fetus thing.  I got say that for most of the movie, I was kind of disappointed while watching it.  The main person caught in a trap is yet another guy who pissed off Jigsaw, like the insurance guy in V.  If he weren't dead, I'd warn Jigsaw that people are going to start thinking his lessons are garbage and that he's really just out for revenge.  And I'm still not clear on why Hoffman keeps engineering these things for Jigsaw so long after his death.  I guess he's a sadist and Jigsaw's (presumably) detailed plans make it easy to just do what Jigsaw wanted for the time being.

Speaking of, Jigsaw is relegated to just three cameos in this film: two in flashbacks and one on video.  Sure, that man is dead, but he's still my favorite character (or only character I like, really) in the series.  Though I know full-well there's no room for more Jigsaw backstory, it would've been nice if Tobin Bell had gotten more screen time somehow.

I do like the ending of the movie.  I'm reading on messageboards that the Saw fans are pissed off for a variety of reasons, but I think it brings things full circle in a satisfying way.  I don't even mind that, yet again, they've found a way to shove one more Jigsaw accomplice into the background of all of the previous movies.  But, this time, it really does make sense.  I was wondering during the last movie how Hoffman was able to surgically implant a key into the insurance guy's side without, you know, nicking an artery and accidentally mucking up the game.

As for the 3D: this and Avatar are the only modern 3D movies I've seen so far.  I've really got no use for it.  I think it adds very little to a movie.  Though, there were two instances in Saw 3D where the 3D really added to the experience.  In the first, a man is trying to reach for a lever to pull.  In the second, a man is balancing on boards high above the floor.  In 3D, we're allowed to see just how far from the lever and floor these men are, which adds to the tension.  Outside of that, it's just an occasional body part flying towards your face and nothing much else of use.  That, and it always gives me an eyestrain headache.

Individually, I'm not really a huge fan of the Saw movies.  Mostly, I don't care a wit about the characters trapped in the games and later movies feel like they're struggling to think of new things to do.  However, I admire the hell out of the continuity in these seven films.  Whatever I think of the movies themselves, the series is a notable achievement in horror.  We've seen horror series generate unending annual sequels before, but never have they required so much of the viewer.  You really do need to have at least the previous installment fresh in your mind to make sense of the current film (and even better if the entire series is in mind).  A sequel could refer to any part of any number of the previous movies, revealing more about the story and answering dangling questions from years prior.  I love this part of the series: a seven-year-long soap opera for horror geeks. (6/10)




Phantasm II (1988) trailer
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (1980) trailer
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror IV: The Devil and Homer Simpson" (1993)


Tales from the Crypt: "Well Cooked Hams" (1993) directed by Elliot Silverstein
Stars Billy Zane, in a role that must have convinced the producers to cast him the movie a couple of years later.  He plays a magician who likes to steal tricks from other magicians and who receives a predictable punishment for such acts.  Worth watching just to see Martin Sheen ham it up to 11 in three different roles with three different fake beards.


Igor and the Lunatics (1985) trailer
Frankenpimp (2000) fake trailer
Murder Baby (2010)


Alien (1979) directed by Ridley Scott
For "best sci-fi-horror movie ever" it's either this or The Thing, no question.  Me, I tend towards The Thing, but Alien is no slouch.  I love that it is essentially a monster chasing people around a gothic castle... but in space. Giger's beautiful designs still hold up 31 years later.  The intentional sexual undertones to the creature are as fun to pick apart as they are disturbing (how about this one: the alien's inner mouth becomes erect and leaks clear fluid when it's excited).  The space truckers are all realistically drawn and sound like working-class folks just doing their job. Jerry Goldsmith's score is haunting and perfect. There's not a lot to complain about in this film (the unnecessary Sigourney Weaver buttcrack, probably) as it's near-perfect. (9/10)




Cat in the Brain (1990) trailer
Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2005) trailer
Rob Zombie: "American Witch (animated)" (2006)


Dagon (2001) directed by Stuart Gordon
I love this film unabashedly and I'll never understand why it's not more well-known out there in horror land. I love the contrast between the washed-out blue of Imboca and the bright orange of Paul's Miskatonic sweatshirt.  Visually, we can tell he's a fish out of water, so to speak, right off.  Paul's is one of my favorite horror movie heroes.  What I like is, ignoring the rich investor thing, he's a true everyman.  In the hotel, when he hears the villagers making weird noises and coming towards his room en masse, he still calls out a "can I help you?" when they rattle his doorknob.  It's true: it would be hard to switch gears from what you would do in normal civilization to dropping the civilities and realizing they don't matter when things are strange.  He uses his swiss army knife and cellphone as a pathetic weapons, as they are the only thing he has in his pocket.  He tries and fails to hotwire a car -- I sure as  hell don't know how to do that, either.

For the record: yes, I would live forever with the tentacle-legged woman underwater.  Absolutely. (9/10)

A tree in the house?

6WH: September 25th

Today was the big movie night for Week 1 of Halloween. In addition to C, who's been coming to these weekend moviethons for years, we've now got J taking part in the celebration. J's a real horror nut, so he fits right in. He even brought movies and shorts to throw into my mix. Armed with plenty of beer, a pair of large bowls filled with candy and some delivery pizza, we set out into horrorville:

Trick 'r Treat (2008) trailer
Dagon (2001) trailer
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Terror III: Dial 'Z' for Zombies" (1992)


Fear Itself: "Eater" (2008) directed by Stuart Gordon
Essentially Masters of Horror season 3, Fear Itself aired briefly on NBC before being canceled. Even on semi-uncensored Showtime, Masters of Horror could barely keep up a decent output of horror. I have no idea what Mick Garris was thinking by taking this idea to a freakin' network. As you'd expect, the show is pretty tame. What I did not expect was how ridiculous the commercial breaks make the show feel. They always cut to black with a musical beat, reminding me of crappy cop show.

The episode itself is unremarkable. A local police department has to hold a cannibal overnight before the FBI picks him up. He uses some Cajun voodoo magic to escape and begins killing police officers. It all comes down to the lone surviving female officer to stop him, making the show the typical woman versus monster horror story. Stephen Lee (kindly Ralph from Dolls) was a treat to watch in this as the overweight asshole, and the eater himself is kind of creepy-looking. Other than that, I actually prefer Gordon's Honey, I Shrunk the Kids episode to this as far as TV horror goes. (6/10)


The Funhouse (1981) trailer
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006) trailer
Merrie Melodies: "Transylvania 6-5000" (1963)


The People Under the Stairs (1991) directed by Wes Craven
C was strangely obsessed with watching this one and J had never seen it, so we popped it in. It's kind of a nostalgic film for me. It came out right when I started watching horror movies. Plus, I'll always like any movie that has a house filled with secret passages in it. This and Nothing but Trouble have the coolest houses in cinema for that. And, as a Twin Peaks nut, it's amusing to see Big Ed and Nadine playing another kooky married couple. Other than that, the film is essentially 90 minutes of a kid playing hide and seek in the house while trying to avoid the murderous owners. "A nice, family comedy," is how I think J described it afterward. (6/10)




Alien (1979) trailer
Werewolves on Wheels (1971) trailer
Ray Parker Jr.: "Ghostbusters" (1984)
Dawn of the Night of the Dead... The Musical (1980)
Loaf (1991)


Slime City (1988) directed by Greg Lamberson
This is one of the films J brought over. Based solely on the title, we popped in as the final film of the night. What a rip! There isn't anything approaching a city of slime in this film. At best, it could be called Slime Apartment, but Slime Dude would be closer. The premise is kind of amusing. After being seduced by his skanky neighbor, Alex catches the strangest VD ever from her. Anytime he gets upset, he starts to turn into slime. The only way to go back to his normal self is the kill! There's some other stuff in there about black magic, possession and green yogurt (?), but it ain't real important. Anyone watching the movie is in it for the slime. Unfortunately, things don't get really slimy until Alex begins to go to pieces during the climax. We get some Troma-style gooeyness right at the end with some fun special F/X. It's not enough to make up for the prior hour of bad acting, editing and directing, though. (6/10)

That was it for Week 1's big weekend. All had a good time gorging on horror, beer candy and pizza. Five weekends left!


Pumpkins Help Us See the Candy Bowls

6WH: Saturday, October 18th

A low-key Halloween weekend with just me and the missus. More visitors are due in the next two weekends, so it's not bad to have a break.

Phantasm III trailer (1993)
It's Alive trailer (1973)
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror: Hex and the City" (2001)


Stuck (2007) directed by Stuart Gordon
If this is where Stuart Gordon is going these days, well, it's not a bad compromise between the director of Re-Animator and Dagon and the director of King of the Ants and Edmond. If he's going be doing realistic dramas now, I'd prefer them with the flavor of horror. Based on a true story, Stuck tells the tale of a woman, a man, and the car windshield he's stuck in when she slams into him in the middle of the night.

When I first read about this incident some years ago, I found the story horrifying, but not really surprising. There's a culture out there -- maybe really starting with my generation -- where people attempt to deny all responsibility for their mistakes. Nothing is ever their fault. The movie captures this quite well. Not only does Brandi do everything she can to sweep her little problem under the rug -- all the way up to trying to burn him and the car -- but she keeps asking him throughout the movie "why are you doing this to me?" That right there is as creepy as anything any crazed killer in a slasher movie's ever said. (7/10)


Prince of Darkness trailer (1987)
Q trailer (1982)
Saturday Night Live: "Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker: Devil's Night" (1993)


Beetle Juice (1988) directed by Tim Burton
I needed to cleanse my palate after so many crappy vengeful ghost movies. Now, where can I find a haunted house? Free babysitting, free tutoring and free dinner theater by critters who can't possibly raid your fridge or rack up long distance bills? Sign me up! (8/10)


Beetlejuice: "A-Ha!" (1990)
Invasion of the Body Snatchers trailer (1956)
Psycho trailer (1960)
Beavis and Butt-head: "Bungholio: Lord of the Harvest" (1995)

The Halloween Jones Soda flavor of the week was the new-for-this-year Spooookiwi. One of the oddest things I've ever tasted, really. At times it doesn't taste like anything other than soda water, then the faint flavor of bubblegum will sneak up and tickle the taste buds. It's an ethereal ghost flavor. I'm beginning to suspect that half of these Halloween flavors are really a testing ground for Jones' experimental concoctions. It's not like kiwi is inherently a fall flavor, anyway (or pomegranate, for that matter). I doubt this one'll pass the test; I don't foresee picking up a sixer of Jones Kiwi in the non-Halloween season anytime soon.

Horror magazines are great 6WH lunch time reading.
Shock Cinema is my favorite.

SWH07: Week 5 (sixth)

Six Weeks of Halloween 2007
Week 5 (sixth)

Beneath Still Waters (2005)
The orgy at the town's anniversary showed small signs of old school Yuzna, who was barely detectable in the dull and poorly plotted remainder. (5/10)

d. Brian Yuzna


Masters of Horror: "The Black Cat" (2006)
An excellent adaption, capturing the spirit of Poe and his work near-perfectly. (9/10)

d. Stuart Gordon

Baby shower 2/2 was the main focus of this weekend, again, rather than Halloween. Though, driving through Michigan at this precise time of year is incredibly beautiful.

I gave two Jones Soda flavors a day in court: Strawberry Slime and Gruesome Grape. They taste almost exactly like their equivalent Faygo flavors (which, I'd like to state, was good drinkin' long before utter idjits started promoting it). What this means to me is that they're completely drinkable. Unbelievably, I found all 4 of the half-can Halloween flavors to be tasty this year. Jones is getting better at this. Of course, next weekend I will be experimenting with their new licorice-flavored drinks. That may change my opinion.

Silent Hill 4: The Room was about as bad as I was expecting. A dull game full of bad choices. One of the worst ideas from the Resident Evil series -- the item box -- was imported and made even more annoying. Rather than multiple boxes that magically teleport your items between each other, there's only one box with which to manage your limited inventory. Accidentally pick up too many bullets and have no room for that key item? You'll have to make a trip all the way back to the apartment, dump some stuff in the box, and walk all the way back. There's no way to simply drop items where you stand. In the universe I live in, this is not remotely close to fun.

About half of the game is an escort mission, essentially. Making sure that a dumb AI-controlled character doesn't get itself killed is rarely more than frustrating (though I did get into it in the excellent Dead Rising). Herding Eileen through levels isn't too bad. You can run faster than her, making it easy to trap her in a room by exiting it before she's close to the door (the AI being too stupid to using doorknobs). Still, during my playthrough, she got wounded enough to get me the worst of the four endings.

There are no bosses, really, to speak of until the end of the game. There aren't really any puzzles outside of collecting items. The areas are the same old stuff: the requisite hospital, a subway, a prison, a forest, an apartment building. To play the game, you shuffle from area to area, occasionally batting down a mutant dog (also a requisite) while picking up items to unlock the path ahead. That's about it. It's as tedious as it sounds.

Play mechanics were never the series' strong suit. The storyline is supposed to be where SH shines. Not so much, here. A serial killer -- who happens to come from Silent Hill, though the game takes place in a different town altogether -- everyone thinks is dead isn't really and he's trying to finish a black magic ritual by killing 21 people. Also, he thinks your apartment is his literal mother. Outside of that bit of psychosis, SH's trademarked psychological horror is largely absent here. You're the hero: you save your pretty neighbor and the world from a bad guy. The end. It's a complete disappointment. I hope the Americans making the next two games can rescue the series from this low point.

SWH07: Week 3 (third)

Six Weeks of Halloween 2007
Week 3 (third)

Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (trailer)
Werewolves on Wheels (trailer)
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror IX: Hell Toupée"


From Beyond (1986)
Though somewhat flawed in its execution, I've always loved the idea behind the story. (7/10)

d. Stuart Gordon


A busy couple of days squeezed the weekend Halloween celebrating down to barebones. Did you know that people will give you stuff just for deciding to breed? It's true. To be honest -- rather than attempt to wrangle people into some horror movie watching amongst the post-shower litter of tiny, pink outfits, stuffed animals and books made of thick cardboard -- I decided to play a massive amount of legendary co-op Halo 3 with the brother-in-law. For shame: not very seasonal, I know.

Upon returning home, Mrs. K. and I watched the above. I gave Jones Soda Lemon Drop Dead a day in court as the movie unfolded. This is another repeat flavor from last year, though it has received a demotion. Previously, it was one of the "prestige" glass bottle flavors; now it's relegated to the kid-friendly mini-cans. The shape of the container isn't the only difference: it now tastes a helluva lot like its namesake candy. Last year, its flavor was more like that cheap, powdered lemonade elementary schools tend to serve at lunch. It wasn't worth the glass it was bottled in. This year's version tastes like a can full of pure citric acid. Interesting. Not something you'd drink after running a mile in the desert, but kind of a fun thing to try.

Speaking of H.P. Lovecraft, I've only reached 1916 in my chronological reading of his stories and poems. So far, he's an arrogant racist whose poetry is mostly stiff and tedious. He's not a likable guy in the least. Hopefully, he'll mellow as he ages. I haven't even gotten to his first adult short story, "The Tomb," yet. Judging by his impressive skills in this area at the age of 15, I'm expecting it to be a much-welcomed relief from the unending onslaught of poetry he wrote preceding it.

SWH: Week 3 (thirteen)

Tales from the Crypt: "Lower Berth" (1990)
I'm a sucker for a horror tale from the carnival. (8/10)
d. Kevin Yagher

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (trailer)
The Return of the Living Dead (trailer)
Simpsons, The: "Treehouse of Horror 07-2: The Genesis Tub"

Dagon (2001)
I want to live forever in the sea with a tentacle-mermaid. (9/10)
d. Stuart Gordon

Masters of Horror: "Dreams in the Witch-House" (2005)
A really evil witch, irrational spaces beyond walls and a Dagon reunion make for good watchin'. (8/10)
d. Stuart Gordon

Mangiati Vivi (trailer)
The Birds (trailer)
They Live: "Cheese Dip"

Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Could've stood alone without coat-tailing on Romero's good name and I still think super-speed zombies look ridiculous. (7/10)
d. Zack Snyder

Bloodsucking Freaks (trailer)
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (trailer)
Looney Tunes: "Broom-Stick Bunny"

Tonight's proceedings were joined by C and partially by Mrs. K. Neither of them, to my disappointment, appreciated the excellence of Dagon as I do.

I tried the Jones Soda Monster Mojito Soda this week. Having never tried the apparently popular alcoholic drink by that name -- such fruit-flavored concoctions remind me of college-era vomiting -- I don't know how it compares. I will say, like the Lemon Drop Dead soda, it tastes like (non-existent) lime-flavored Pez. C decided to give Candy Corn a try. He repeatedly, sarcastically admired its candy-cornish flavor throughout the final movie. After he left, I discovered more than half of it still in the small 8 oz can. When I dumped it down the sink, it was a disturbing, nearly-neon chartreuse yellow. I imagine his innards are permanently dyed that color now.

Here's the famous Six Weeks of Halloween candy drawer:

SWH: 2005 (22)

King of the Ants (2003)
Both the protagonist and antagonists were idiots, which was both a flaw and of interest. (7/10)

Rottweiler (2004)
Surprisingly good for a movie with a robot dog. (8/10)

SWH: 2005 (21)

Dagon (2001)
I'm utterly mystified why no one else seems to love this movie. (9/10)

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)
Lots of good parts hanging on a weak skeleton. (7/10)

SWH: 2005 (20)

The Dentist 2 (1998)
Slower and with less dental trauma than the first and marred by a really goofy final shot. (7/10)

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: The TV Show: "Honey, Let's Trick or Treat" (1998)
Halloween episodes are always fun. (7/10)

Faust: Love of the Damned (2000)
Great first half with average, if not slightly cheesy, second half. (7/10)

SWH: 2005 (18)

The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit (1998)
Fun little movie, but a little to play-y for my tastes. (7/10)

Progeny (1998)
Some nice alien and medical horror, but marred by wretched acting. (6/10)

SWH: 2005 (14)

A History of Violence (2005)
Cronenberg is god; anyone who doesn't like the ending is a moron. (9/10)
[watched with C]

Tales from the Crypt: "Only Sin Deep" (1989)
Nothing too exciting; Lea Thompson wasn't the best choice. (6/10)
[watched with C]

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)
Still the king of serial killer movies. (9/10)
[watched with C]

SNL: "Gay Dracula" (1994)
The double meaning with Travolta makes it much funnier. (8/10)
[watched with C]

The Dentist (1996)
Great modern slasher with Yuzna much improved at directing. (8/10)

Space Truckers (1996)
Given the ideas, this should've been more fun than what was on screen. (7/10)

SWH: 2005 (12)

Castle Freak (1995)
Rock solid horror. (8/10)

Tarzan: The Epic Adventures: "Tarzan's Return" (1996)
Z-grade genre TV that I imagine disappointed the hell out of a lot of Tarzan fans. (4/10)

SWH: 2005 (10)

The Inquisitor (1990)
Good location, good actors, good story, good, clean torturing fun. (8/10)

Fortress (1992)
Exciting sci-fi prison action; strangely, like a futuristic The Inquisitor. (8/10)
[watched with P]

Tales from the Crypt: "Dig That Cat… He's Real Gone" (1989)
Predictable ending, but the journey there is very fun. (8/10)
[watched with C]

Return of the Living Dead Part II (1987)
Painfully unfunny horror-comedy. (4/10)
[watched with C]

Michael Jackson: "Thriller" (1983)
Non-weird Michael, dancing zombies and Vincent Price is all good. (7/10)
[watched with C]

Return of the Living Dead III (1993)
Damned fine zombie romance. (9/10)
[watched with C]

The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror 04-1: The Devil and Homer Simpson" (1993)
Classic Treehouse. (9/10)
[watched with C]

Necronomicon (1993)
Eldritch enough, but some poor SFX take you out of the stories on occasion. (7/10)

SWH: 2005 (8)

Daughter of Darkness (1989)
Boring vampire movie with hardly any blood sucking. (5/10)

Robot Jox (1989)
Kick-ass sci-fi, gladiator, Cold War flick. (7/10)

SWH: 2005 (7)

From Beyond (1986)
That there are invisible, teeth-filled sea creatures swimming around is the scariest-cool idea ever. (8/10)

Society (1989)
The abrupt left turn into absurdity at the end eventually wears a smile into you. (7/10)

The Haunted History of Halloween (1997)
Seemed to be a pretty solid overview of the big day's history and a dug the footage from past decades' celebrations. (7/10)

The Saturday Night Live Halloween Special (1999)
Mostly mediocre, with some gems like Matt Foley and Gay Dracula. (6/10)

SWH: 2005 (6)

Re-Animator (1985)
Balls-to-the-wall fun, with a perfect performance by Jeffrey Combs. (9/10)

Dolls (1986)
Best killer doll movie ever; reminded me that fairy tales were the horror genre's precursor. (8/10)