Trackman (2007) directed by Igor Shavlak
Tremendously boring. Obviously inspired by My Bloody Valentine, this film follows some bank robbers and hostages in an abandoned mine. Unfortunately for them, the miner from MBV happens to live there and likes to collect eyeballs. Though the movie is only 80 minutes long, it feels like twice that. It doesn't take too long for the characters to flee into the mine, in which there's nothing terribly exciting going on most of the time. There are minutes upon endless minutes of people walking down dank, dusty tracks. The movie's more than halfway over with by the time the Trackman starts doing anything interesting. Granted, the only thing he does is a Michael Myers impression, but at least that spices up the unending walking. Plus, the characters he stalks are so underdeveloped and unlikable, you can't help but root for the guy.
I will say that making the killer a mutant from Chernobyl was a great idea. I've never see any other movie use that concept, though you'd think it would be common in Russian horror. The only other nice thing I have to say is that at least the DP did a nice job shooting in the low light of the tunnels. Otherwise, I nearly fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon watching this. (3/10)
The Children (2008) directed by Tom Shankland
It's been a long time since a movie actually made me feel nervous. I'm pretty sure that me being a parent has everything to do with how effective this film was on me. I can hear my daughter crying in her room at the opposite end of the house and one floor up while watching a movie at full volume. You get super-hearing, but only for children's cries, when you become a dad. Consequently, the screaming of the kids in this film was like nails on a chalkboard to me. It sort of plugs into a primitive part of your brain and says: "offspring in trouble! quick!" Hence, one reason for the nervousness. The other reason, of course, is that the horror of the film is a parent having to quickly decide whether to kill her own children in order to save herself and her older daughter. When she does this, first by accident and later on purpose, I found it very jarring. After becoming a parent, my #1 fear of amputation was easily replaced by the fear accidentally killing my own child. This movie is pretty much my worst nightmare.
The film is also put together really well. It's constructed in perfect horror rollercoaster style, with periods of intensity broken by increasingly shorter and shorter lulls. The cinematography is great; they kept finding really interesting shots. I particularly liked the extreme close-up of the flakes of snow stuck to Elaine's lips as she lay stunned in the snow. The ending isn't terribly surprising, but I don't think I'd want it to end any other way. A great slice of horror from England. (8/10)
Offspring (2009) directed by Andrew van den Houten
Well, now I'm not terribly motivated to read the book. A group of cannibals, who look like they split off of the Hills Have Eyes clan, descend on a coastal Maine town and start making steaks out of the locals. It's kind of a neat idea to think about a hunting party straight out of the stone age doing their thing on people in cars instead of mammoths. But, wild kids slamming hatchets into folks can only get you so far in a horror movie. Unfortunately, there's not much else here. There's some kidnapped women in trouble. There's an asshole ex-husband. There's a baby hidden in the woods so the cannibals can't find it. All of this turns out pretty much the way you'd expect (the women escape, the asshole is killed, the baby is saved) after less than 80 minutes of runtime.
At the end, we're shown a shot of the lone cannibal survivor: a baby. I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean. That the cannibals will be back in 10-20 years after it grows up? I don't think that baby will survive being abandoned in a cave the police couldn't even find. I can't think of any other reason, though, unless it's just that the producers wanted to reassure us that the hero-lady didn't really kill a baby trying to escape.
I was completely confused when a movie supposedly taking place in Maine had a police car with the distinctive state of Michigan painted on it. Turns out this is one of those movies that was shot in my home state through the new Michigan Film Office. I vaguely remember some controversy, but it seems that's over the proposed sequel. Looks like the Michigan Film Office doesn't want to give van den Houten the 42% tax credit for the follow-up, seemingly because they're uncomfortable having a cannibal movie represent the state. Ah, horror, always the red-headed stepchild of the genres. (4/10)
25 October 2010
24 October 2010
October 24th
Room 205 (2007) directed by Martin Barnewitz
A ghost story from Denmark. I think maybe the only way to make ghosts actually threatening in a movie is to give them the power to hurt people. Ghosts, as they are described by believers, are just a projections of strong emotions on a place. Being scared of such a thing would be like being scared of a rainbow. So, movies often give the ghosts the power to harm or kill people (or take them into a TV), as is the case here. I will admit that when the ghost appears, accompanied by a really loud musical sting, it's often surprising. But, after that, it's just a lady with bad cataracts making faces at people (and smushing them in elevators). It doesn't do anything for me. If there's a killer ghost haunting your dorm... move the hell out. Problem solved. I'm pretty sure this is the first Danish movie I've ever watched, so there's that. (5/10)
The Substitute (2007) directed by Ole Bornedal
And another Danish movie from Ghost House Underground. They must have gotten a deal or something from a production company over there. This one's much more enjoyable that the other, but it's not much of a horror movie. Like The Faculty, it's the body-snatcher scenario in a school. This time, it's only one snatcher and she is ostensibly here just to learn about love. Her species completely lacks empathy and is constantly at war with each other. Humanity's unique ability to care about each other seems like something that might help them with that problem. She takes the guise of the titular substitute in order to study empathy in children. Eventually, the kids figure out what she really is and try to convince their parents. The parents, as is always the case in these films, refuse to believe the kids. Lacking in empathy, the substitute isn't really a nice entity and plans to snatch the kids to her planet for further study. She is stopped at the last minute by one of her students and all is right in the world.
Paprika Steen does an excellent job as the alien teacher. She has lots of fun controlling her facial expressions in the film, all smiley-happy when talking to parents and scary-emotionless when speaking to the kids. She's sort of reminds me Terri Garr, both physically and in the way that she acts.
Other than the afore-surmised deal, I'm not sure why Ghost House bought this for their horror line. Outside of the alien eating a miniaturized guidance counselor, there's nothing really horrible in the movie. I suppose the whole "my teacher is an alien who wants to kidnap us" is scary, though. This'll be a good one to watch with a 10-year-old in the future, I bet. (7/10)
A ghost story from Denmark. I think maybe the only way to make ghosts actually threatening in a movie is to give them the power to hurt people. Ghosts, as they are described by believers, are just a projections of strong emotions on a place. Being scared of such a thing would be like being scared of a rainbow. So, movies often give the ghosts the power to harm or kill people (or take them into a TV), as is the case here. I will admit that when the ghost appears, accompanied by a really loud musical sting, it's often surprising. But, after that, it's just a lady with bad cataracts making faces at people (and smushing them in elevators). It doesn't do anything for me. If there's a killer ghost haunting your dorm... move the hell out. Problem solved. I'm pretty sure this is the first Danish movie I've ever watched, so there's that. (5/10)
The Substitute (2007) directed by Ole Bornedal
And another Danish movie from Ghost House Underground. They must have gotten a deal or something from a production company over there. This one's much more enjoyable that the other, but it's not much of a horror movie. Like The Faculty, it's the body-snatcher scenario in a school. This time, it's only one snatcher and she is ostensibly here just to learn about love. Her species completely lacks empathy and is constantly at war with each other. Humanity's unique ability to care about each other seems like something that might help them with that problem. She takes the guise of the titular substitute in order to study empathy in children. Eventually, the kids figure out what she really is and try to convince their parents. The parents, as is always the case in these films, refuse to believe the kids. Lacking in empathy, the substitute isn't really a nice entity and plans to snatch the kids to her planet for further study. She is stopped at the last minute by one of her students and all is right in the world.
Paprika Steen does an excellent job as the alien teacher. She has lots of fun controlling her facial expressions in the film, all smiley-happy when talking to parents and scary-emotionless when speaking to the kids. She's sort of reminds me Terri Garr, both physically and in the way that she acts.
Other than the afore-surmised deal, I'm not sure why Ghost House bought this for their horror line. Outside of the alien eating a miniaturized guidance counselor, there's nothing really horrible in the movie. I suppose the whole "my teacher is an alien who wants to kidnap us" is scary, though. This'll be a good one to watch with a 10-year-old in the future, I bet. (7/10)
23 October 2010
October 23rd
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| They craft crazy things at daycare. |
Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter (1974) trailer
House (1985) trailer
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror IV: Bart Simpson's Dracula" (1993)
Tales from the Crypt: "House of Horror" (1993) directed by Bob Gale
Kind of a meh episode about a frat initiation gone wrong. It was amusing to see Wil Wheaton crawling around in his tighty-whities (I suggested that this would be prime for a screencap to take to an autograph signing). Other than that, it's a story that takes entirely too long to get to the point. The point, as is the case in most of these, is for the asshole to get what's coming to him. I will say Kevin Dillon -- who looks a eerily like his brother -- plays the asshole to perfection here.
Tentacles (1977) TV spot
The Worm Eaters (1977) trailer
Happy Tree Friends: "Boo Do You Think You Are?" (2003)
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) directed by Francis Ford Coppola
I'm not sure Stoker would recognize the story in this movie -- his demon of disease made sympathetic -- but I suppose they needed to alter the title in some way to differentiate it from all of the other Dracula adaptations out there. What stuck me, watching this tonight, was how different it is from most vampire movies of the past, say, 30 years. Modern vampires movies seem to be desperate to cast vampirism in a scientific light. Vampires are just people infected with a disease. Their aversion to silver and garlic and sunlight are merely severe allergies. There's undoubtedly an injection out there that will cure them. It's refreshing to watch a vampire movie that takes it old school In this world, all of our old legends are true. Dracula walks the earth neither dead or alive because he cursed God. He can change into a wolf or a bat or rats or mist. Why? Because those things scared our ancestors and Dracula is scary. He can control the weather and the creepy-crawly creatures of the night because he is a force of nature and a creature of the night himself. He enjoys a psychic connection with Mina because she is his soul mate. If you need any further explanation than that, too bad. It's sometimes hard to drop a logical analysis of what you see on-screen -- I had that trouble with Paranormal Activity -- but it's enjoyable just to dive into superstition and the supernatural once-in-a-while.
Coppola's clearly enjoying the hell out of himself with this movie. You can tell he always wanted to make a Universal horror movie. I love his use of shadow in this movie. Easy to make fun of, sure -- see the Simpons episode above -- but fun to watch, nevertheless. (8/10)
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973) trailer
Rubber (2010) trailer
The Wildflower (2007)
The Lair of the White Worm (1988) directed by Ken Russell
It turned into an unofficial Bram Stoker night purely by coincidence. I've never read the story this was based on, so I don't know how far off the movie is. I'm going to guess there's quite a bit of difference. I can't see Stoker having the snake-lady's venom providing acid trips that have the affected person imaging Christ being attacked by a giant snake. That is the type of thing I want to see in a Ken Russell movie, though. I can't help but love his wild abandon: he's going to insert large chunks of purely symbolic imagery into his movies and to hell with anyone not down with that type of thing. In fact, I think these trips into id save the film from being just a typical monster movie. Without them, we just have the heroes chasing a snake-lady and her pet giant snake. And the ending is kind of cheezy too, with the snakebite-infected Angus agreeing to "have a bite to eat" with unsuspecting Lord D'Ampton. Then again, I don't think we're supposed to take the film so seriously as to not enjoy the puns in it. (7/10)
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| Stripe makes sure no foo' steals my Ernest Goes to Jail. |
22 October 2010
October 22nd
Tonight was J's horror movie night at his place, complete with expertly crafted intermission material for the between-movie times. Sweet Dagon, that Beyond Re-animator video was awful! Seven full-fledged horror movie geeks tore into these gems:
House (1977) directed by Nobuhiko Obayashi
Or, How-Soo, as we like to say it. One of the most insane horror movies ever made. The director based it on ideas his 7-year-old daughter had. Awesome. Essentially, it's a haunted house / body count movie in which a bunch of teen girls are killed. There's lots of those, right? Yeah, but probably not a lot with a piano that eats a girl, but then the girl's body parts continue to play the piano anyway. Doubtful there are any at all with a cannibalistic ghost who uses her fridge as a shortcut to the rafters, or a naked schoolgirl swimming in a enormous pool of blood, or a girl getting killed by pillows or a man turning into a pile of bananas. Colorful, unique and entertaining as hell. (8/10)
Trick 'r Treat (2007) directed by Michael Dougherty
My second Halloween watching this movie. I think it's definitely on the "must watch every year" list now and I really like Sam as a mascot for the season. I'm still not a fan of the comic book transitions, for which I can see no real point. This time around, I noticed that it cleverly covers every age group's celebration of the season. We've got kids trick 'r treating (and scaring each other), teenagers drinking and partying (and eating each other), middle-agers retiring early (and failing to have sex with each other) and an old person being grumpy about the entire day. It's neat that every way people generally celebrate the day gets some representation, though they were missing the movie geeks doing a horror movie marathon (my people).
But, damn, I wish I lived in a town that had such an insane Halloween parade in the streets. Seriously, what town does this? I want to move... (8/10)
The Dark Side of Midnight (1984) directed by Wes Olsen
There was a call for something silly for the last movie of the night. Luckily, I never go anywhere without my TDSoM DVD easily accessible. Written, directed, produced and starring Wes Olsen, a self-described "sex maniac" and "regular Don Juan." Watching a truly horrible movie with a bunch of people is always fun. There always seems to be one little thing in a bad movie that cracks everyone up and becomes a long-lasting joke. Tonight's: the word "crawlhole." For some reason, this is how one of the characters describes the hole in the ceiling that leads to the attic. I think he might have meant crawlspace, but who knows? Anyway, it got a huge laugh and everyone was using the word "crawlhole" at every possible opportunity ("How many people can they fit in that crawlhole?", "Always check your crawlhole for creepers," etc.). Also amusing: the preponderance of mustaches in the movies. We determined that a drinking game based on seeing a mustache in the movie would shortly result in death.
Kinda draggy after they decide early on not to try any more gore effects, but bad movie gold for a group to riff on. (6/10)
House (1977) directed by Nobuhiko Obayashi
Or, How-Soo, as we like to say it. One of the most insane horror movies ever made. The director based it on ideas his 7-year-old daughter had. Awesome. Essentially, it's a haunted house / body count movie in which a bunch of teen girls are killed. There's lots of those, right? Yeah, but probably not a lot with a piano that eats a girl, but then the girl's body parts continue to play the piano anyway. Doubtful there are any at all with a cannibalistic ghost who uses her fridge as a shortcut to the rafters, or a naked schoolgirl swimming in a enormous pool of blood, or a girl getting killed by pillows or a man turning into a pile of bananas. Colorful, unique and entertaining as hell. (8/10)
Trick 'r Treat (2007) directed by Michael Dougherty
My second Halloween watching this movie. I think it's definitely on the "must watch every year" list now and I really like Sam as a mascot for the season. I'm still not a fan of the comic book transitions, for which I can see no real point. This time around, I noticed that it cleverly covers every age group's celebration of the season. We've got kids trick 'r treating (and scaring each other), teenagers drinking and partying (and eating each other), middle-agers retiring early (and failing to have sex with each other) and an old person being grumpy about the entire day. It's neat that every way people generally celebrate the day gets some representation, though they were missing the movie geeks doing a horror movie marathon (my people).
But, damn, I wish I lived in a town that had such an insane Halloween parade in the streets. Seriously, what town does this? I want to move... (8/10)
The Dark Side of Midnight (1984) directed by Wes Olsen
Kinda draggy after they decide early on not to try any more gore effects, but bad movie gold for a group to riff on. (6/10)
21 October 2010
October 21st
The Prowler (1981) directed by Joseph Zito
I got a handful of slasher suggestions from the Going to Pieces documentary, including The Prowler. It seems like I've missed seeing a few of the semi-classics from that era. This one fits the slasher formula to an absolute T. You've got a masked killer, teens partying and being killed for their immorality, the slasher jumps up after seemingly dying, the virginal girl kills the slasher for good and there's an extra jump-scare at the very end. Actually, I'm confident the producers looked at the success of the previous year's Friday the 13th and said to the writer: "copy that." It's pretty much a rip-off of that movie with the names and locations changed. It also bears a lot of similarity to My Bloody Valentine, which came out the same year. Heh, someone should make a "Slasher Family" tree (like people have been doing for game controllers lately) and trace out how the elements of slasher movies evolved. Anyway, it's by no means a classic horror movie, but it's fun little slasher picture. (7/10)
No Man's Land: The Rise of Reeker (2008) directed by Dave Payne
If you've seen the original, there's really no reason to watch this sequel. It's pretty much exactly the same story with the same twist. The only thing extra you're getting is the backstory of the Reeker. Which, you know, I'm not sure we really needed. And this one lacks the original's Michael Ironside, so there's another strike. There are some neat bits in the show. The jerky way the Reeker moves about is cool-looking. The guys who looses half his head and still walks around was neat for the brief amount of time we got to see it. Eh, watch this one or the original, but not both. (6/10)
Saw V (2008) directed by David Hackl
I think we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, here. Just like in III, a good chunk of the story is a flashback detailing how Jigsaw's secret assistant helped him with the traps in all of the previous movies. We already did that with Amanda, so it just feels tiresome. How much more can be retconned into the previous movies? The seams are about to burst, I should think.
Beyond that, I don't think I like Hoffman (or Jigsaw Jr., as I think of him). He's got this arrogant, smarminess about him that I hate. Unlike with the coldly logical Jigsaw, I don't find myself secretly rooting for Hoffman. And, what's his motivation? Why would he continue Jigsaw's work after Jigsaw's death? Unlike Amanda, we never really see him grateful for Jigsaw's lesson or caring about Jigsaw as he died. It just seems like Hoffman was the filmmakers' only idea for continuing the series after stupidly killing everyone in III.
And, maybe I missed something, but it seems like the people caught in the traps have nothing to do with the rest of the movie. That's a first, as always before the people in the traps had some kind of connection to Jigsaw or the police pursuing him. That gives us less of a reason to care about the people trapped. They have nothing to do with anything, so who cares which ones die?
I did enjoy the trap Strahm found himself in. Classic. We generally don't get to see the walls close in all the way in movie, as it's usually the hero trapped inside who inevitably finds a release switch.
I hear VI is supposed to be a return to form. I hope so, as I'm starting get tired of these movies. (5/10)
I got a handful of slasher suggestions from the Going to Pieces documentary, including The Prowler. It seems like I've missed seeing a few of the semi-classics from that era. This one fits the slasher formula to an absolute T. You've got a masked killer, teens partying and being killed for their immorality, the slasher jumps up after seemingly dying, the virginal girl kills the slasher for good and there's an extra jump-scare at the very end. Actually, I'm confident the producers looked at the success of the previous year's Friday the 13th and said to the writer: "copy that." It's pretty much a rip-off of that movie with the names and locations changed. It also bears a lot of similarity to My Bloody Valentine, which came out the same year. Heh, someone should make a "Slasher Family" tree (like people have been doing for game controllers lately) and trace out how the elements of slasher movies evolved. Anyway, it's by no means a classic horror movie, but it's fun little slasher picture. (7/10)
No Man's Land: The Rise of Reeker (2008) directed by Dave Payne
If you've seen the original, there's really no reason to watch this sequel. It's pretty much exactly the same story with the same twist. The only thing extra you're getting is the backstory of the Reeker. Which, you know, I'm not sure we really needed. And this one lacks the original's Michael Ironside, so there's another strike. There are some neat bits in the show. The jerky way the Reeker moves about is cool-looking. The guys who looses half his head and still walks around was neat for the brief amount of time we got to see it. Eh, watch this one or the original, but not both. (6/10)
Saw V (2008) directed by David Hackl
I think we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, here. Just like in III, a good chunk of the story is a flashback detailing how Jigsaw's secret assistant helped him with the traps in all of the previous movies. We already did that with Amanda, so it just feels tiresome. How much more can be retconned into the previous movies? The seams are about to burst, I should think.
Beyond that, I don't think I like Hoffman (or Jigsaw Jr., as I think of him). He's got this arrogant, smarminess about him that I hate. Unlike with the coldly logical Jigsaw, I don't find myself secretly rooting for Hoffman. And, what's his motivation? Why would he continue Jigsaw's work after Jigsaw's death? Unlike Amanda, we never really see him grateful for Jigsaw's lesson or caring about Jigsaw as he died. It just seems like Hoffman was the filmmakers' only idea for continuing the series after stupidly killing everyone in III.
And, maybe I missed something, but it seems like the people caught in the traps have nothing to do with the rest of the movie. That's a first, as always before the people in the traps had some kind of connection to Jigsaw or the police pursuing him. That gives us less of a reason to care about the people trapped. They have nothing to do with anything, so who cares which ones die?
I did enjoy the trap Strahm found himself in. Classic. We generally don't get to see the walls close in all the way in movie, as it's usually the hero trapped inside who inevitably finds a release switch.
I hear VI is supposed to be a return to form. I hope so, as I'm starting get tired of these movies. (5/10)
20 October 2010
October 20th
Halloween II: Unrated Director's Cut (2009) directed by Rob Zombie
Picks up right where part 1 left off, with characters dealing with the direct aftermath of Michael's first rampage. I thought this introductory section of the film was a great idea on Zombie's part. He shows us in sickening detail the results of Myer's violence. We see Laurie and Annie having their cuts stitched up, being intubated, and having their bones set as they scream in pain on the hospital gurney. I don't recall a slasher sequel ever quite going this far in showing us the real damage the survivors of a masked killer suffer in these types of films. This also, of course, invites comparisons to the original Halloween II, in which Laurie merely has a few scraps and a sprained ankle taken care of at the hospital. Overall, a clever beginning to the film.
The rest, I'm not so keen on. I hate what became of Loomis. In the original series, Loomis is my favorite character by far. He's a man with an unstoppable missing to stop an unstoppable monster. Here, he's turned into a completely unlikable asshole. It's hard to imagine the Loomis of II ever caring enough about people to have been a psychiatrist in I. Like most people, I also don't care for Myers imagining that he sees his mother and younger self. I'm not so offended by the idea, I suppose, but I just don't want to know what's on Myers' mind. I prefer him as a blank slate... a boogeyman, if you will. With his crazy visions of mom and bitchin' hobo beard, Myers in this film just seems like a really tall and violent vagrant. He's not a monster, he's just a nutball.
Again, I love Zombie's casting. For geeks, he puts together great casts for all of his movies. I particularly liked seeing Margot Kidder getting some work again. We also get Duane Whitaker, Howard Hesseman, Richard Riehle, Dayton Callie and Weird Al (!). Obviously, the returning Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif and Danielle Harris are great, too.
I'm glad to have read the Zombie has pulled out of The Blob remake. I want more Devil's Rejects and less re-imagined classics, please. (6/10)
Picks up right where part 1 left off, with characters dealing with the direct aftermath of Michael's first rampage. I thought this introductory section of the film was a great idea on Zombie's part. He shows us in sickening detail the results of Myer's violence. We see Laurie and Annie having their cuts stitched up, being intubated, and having their bones set as they scream in pain on the hospital gurney. I don't recall a slasher sequel ever quite going this far in showing us the real damage the survivors of a masked killer suffer in these types of films. This also, of course, invites comparisons to the original Halloween II, in which Laurie merely has a few scraps and a sprained ankle taken care of at the hospital. Overall, a clever beginning to the film.
The rest, I'm not so keen on. I hate what became of Loomis. In the original series, Loomis is my favorite character by far. He's a man with an unstoppable missing to stop an unstoppable monster. Here, he's turned into a completely unlikable asshole. It's hard to imagine the Loomis of II ever caring enough about people to have been a psychiatrist in I. Like most people, I also don't care for Myers imagining that he sees his mother and younger self. I'm not so offended by the idea, I suppose, but I just don't want to know what's on Myers' mind. I prefer him as a blank slate... a boogeyman, if you will. With his crazy visions of mom and bitchin' hobo beard, Myers in this film just seems like a really tall and violent vagrant. He's not a monster, he's just a nutball.
Again, I love Zombie's casting. For geeks, he puts together great casts for all of his movies. I particularly liked seeing Margot Kidder getting some work again. We also get Duane Whitaker, Howard Hesseman, Richard Riehle, Dayton Callie and Weird Al (!). Obviously, the returning Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif and Danielle Harris are great, too.
I'm glad to have read the Zombie has pulled out of The Blob remake. I want more Devil's Rejects and less re-imagined classics, please. (6/10)
19 October 2010
October 19th
The Stepfather (2009) directed by Nelson McCormick
Dylan Walsh makes for a really bland Terry O'Quinn. You never get a sense that he's as insane as O'Quinn. Sure, he does the thing where he paces the floor and mutters to himself when he's upset -- my favorite from the original -- but he does it so quietly and with such reserve, it really doesn't look that crazy. The entire movie is similarly bland. There's a lot of swimming in the pool and dropping the kids off and speeches about family. The director also seems to take great interest in Amber Heard's bikini-clad body and inserts her into every scene he can. It's a long, 100-minute wait for the eldest stepson to put the puzzle together in order to have an inevitable battle with the stepfather.
And, like Stepfather II, the killer isn't even a stepfather. The entire movie takes place before the wedding. What a rip. (4/10)
Just Take One (2010)
United Monster Talent Agency (2010)
Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (2006)
Great documentary covering the slasher era from 1978 to the late '80s. Many major -- and some minor -- figures are interviewed. I discovered that Betty Palmer is an absolute treasure. I remember hearing that she was embarrassed by her F13 roots, but she must've gotten over it. She's a hoot in this documentary. Felissa Rose and Amy Holden Jones are similarly great in their interviews. And, I can always listen to the scholarly Wes Craven talk about horror. Carpenter, too.
The end of the documentary implies that films like Hostel and Saw are taking the mantle of the slasher film in this era. This is something I've been pondering, myself. Is this true? Is the so-called torture porn genre the successor to the slasher genre? While I might agree that we're in the middle of a torture porn cycle right now -- similar to how we were in a slasher cycle in the '80s -- I don't really think the two sub-genres share very much in common. At its base level, the evil captures people in torture porn and slowly harms them. The captured only escape the evil through great personal (normally physical) sacrifice. In a slasher film, the evil chases and kills a group of people until their pluckiest (normally female) member defeats it. Maybe even more generally, it's mean-spirited torture vs. just-for-fun inventive murders by people in silly masks. Could be a generational thing, but give me a slasher over some torture any day. (7/10)
Dark Floors (2008) directed by Pete Riski
Here I was, expecting a complete crapstorm for the remaining six Ghost House Underground movies I need to watch and this one reminds me never to take reviews too seriously. I liked it. I thought it was cool. The 4.6 rating on IMDb seems ridiculously low to me. Perhaps the IMDb raters are upset that nothing is ever explained by the end of the movie. And that the reset button is pushed so that nearly everything we've seen doesn't really matter. I suppose those are valid reasons to hate on it, though they don't bother me so much.
The movie takes place in a hospital, when a group of folks step off an elevator and discover it deserted. There are causality loops and banshees and heavy metal album cover monsters and zombies and a really Scandinavian-looking Satan. And, hey, it's William Hope! I haven't seen him in since he was pathetically killed by Julia in Hellraiser II twenty-two years ago. Dude needs more work. He's great in the Walter Peck/Carter Burke/Craig Toomey asshole role. Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of the movie, even if I'm not sure what was really going on. (7/10)
The Last House in the Woods (2006) directed by Gabriele Albanesi
Speaking of crapstorms, here's a real brown one. Everyone seems to think they can make their own Texas Chain Saw Massacre. They can't. Italians, if this movie is any indication, are particularly bad at the redneck cannibal family sub-genre. It's not even worth writing about. The movie's a mass of bad acting, badly aped moments from TCM and characters making dumb choices. (3/10)
Dylan Walsh makes for a really bland Terry O'Quinn. You never get a sense that he's as insane as O'Quinn. Sure, he does the thing where he paces the floor and mutters to himself when he's upset -- my favorite from the original -- but he does it so quietly and with such reserve, it really doesn't look that crazy. The entire movie is similarly bland. There's a lot of swimming in the pool and dropping the kids off and speeches about family. The director also seems to take great interest in Amber Heard's bikini-clad body and inserts her into every scene he can. It's a long, 100-minute wait for the eldest stepson to put the puzzle together in order to have an inevitable battle with the stepfather.
And, like Stepfather II, the killer isn't even a stepfather. The entire movie takes place before the wedding. What a rip. (4/10)
Just Take One (2010)
United Monster Talent Agency (2010)
Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (2006)
Great documentary covering the slasher era from 1978 to the late '80s. Many major -- and some minor -- figures are interviewed. I discovered that Betty Palmer is an absolute treasure. I remember hearing that she was embarrassed by her F13 roots, but she must've gotten over it. She's a hoot in this documentary. Felissa Rose and Amy Holden Jones are similarly great in their interviews. And, I can always listen to the scholarly Wes Craven talk about horror. Carpenter, too.
The end of the documentary implies that films like Hostel and Saw are taking the mantle of the slasher film in this era. This is something I've been pondering, myself. Is this true? Is the so-called torture porn genre the successor to the slasher genre? While I might agree that we're in the middle of a torture porn cycle right now -- similar to how we were in a slasher cycle in the '80s -- I don't really think the two sub-genres share very much in common. At its base level, the evil captures people in torture porn and slowly harms them. The captured only escape the evil through great personal (normally physical) sacrifice. In a slasher film, the evil chases and kills a group of people until their pluckiest (normally female) member defeats it. Maybe even more generally, it's mean-spirited torture vs. just-for-fun inventive murders by people in silly masks. Could be a generational thing, but give me a slasher over some torture any day. (7/10)
Dark Floors (2008) directed by Pete Riski
Here I was, expecting a complete crapstorm for the remaining six Ghost House Underground movies I need to watch and this one reminds me never to take reviews too seriously. I liked it. I thought it was cool. The 4.6 rating on IMDb seems ridiculously low to me. Perhaps the IMDb raters are upset that nothing is ever explained by the end of the movie. And that the reset button is pushed so that nearly everything we've seen doesn't really matter. I suppose those are valid reasons to hate on it, though they don't bother me so much.
The movie takes place in a hospital, when a group of folks step off an elevator and discover it deserted. There are causality loops and banshees and heavy metal album cover monsters and zombies and a really Scandinavian-looking Satan. And, hey, it's William Hope! I haven't seen him in since he was pathetically killed by Julia in Hellraiser II twenty-two years ago. Dude needs more work. He's great in the Walter Peck/Carter Burke/Craig Toomey asshole role. Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of the movie, even if I'm not sure what was really going on. (7/10)
The Last House in the Woods (2006) directed by Gabriele Albanesi
Speaking of crapstorms, here's a real brown one. Everyone seems to think they can make their own Texas Chain Saw Massacre. They can't. Italians, if this movie is any indication, are particularly bad at the redneck cannibal family sub-genre. It's not even worth writing about. The movie's a mass of bad acting, badly aped moments from TCM and characters making dumb choices. (3/10)
18 October 2010
October 18th
Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny & Girly (1970) directed by Freddie Francis
A man, only known as New Friend, is kidnapped by an insane family known only by the names used in the title of the film. They have a habit of snatching men, keeping them captive and punishing them if they don't obey the rules of the house (one of which is, of course, not to escape). Though that plot description makes the film sound like a Texas Chainsaw-style horror film, it's really more of a British version of the Addams Family. Replace the Addams' gothy style with that of proper English society, take away the family's awareness that what they say is blackly humorous and make Gomez the only sane one and there you go.
The film is also a rather ridiculous male fantasy. We meet New Friend, pictured above, as he exits a party with a beautiful, voluptuous woman on his arm. Yeah, that guy pictured above. They encounter young Sonny and Girly, whose short skirt is all the encouragement New Friend needs to go along with them. New Friend's girlfriend is killed and he ends up a captive of the family. Once in Mumsy's dilapidated mansion, after unsuccessfully trying to escape, he makes short work of seducing all three of the women living there. In fact, he is such a Lothario that they begin killing each other over out of jealousy over him. Yeah, that guy pictured above. In the end, he decides to stay in the house (though with a weapon stashed under his pillow just in case). Who wouldn't?
A strange film. I'm not sure what to make of it. (6/10)
Paranormal Activity (2007) directed by Oren Peli
I wish films like this could scare me. I think you need to be a believer in the supernatural for them to have any affect, sadly. I feel the same way about The Exorcist. For me, it was very difficult to get into the film, because I couldn't help but imagine the hidden stage hands making loud noises in the background and pulling sheets off the bed. And I can't help but question the logic of the demon. What's his goal, really? If he has the power to burn houses down and physically drag people around, why does he spend weeks screwing around by going bump-in-the-night in some random couple's house? Why not go all out, possess the President and launch nukes all over the place? Maybe he's like the monsters in Monsters, Inc. and needs to build up their fear to use as energy?
Still, I can't deny the film was put together pretty well. The cycle of night terrors and relief during daylight is unrelenting. It was clever of them to have the demon eventually start doing things during the day, too, to take that daylight relief away. Micah's skeptical / pissed-off reactions to everything struck me as pretty realistic, up to a point. After watching the video of the demon lighting the Ouija board on fire, he should've calmed down a bit. I have to say I prefer the alternate ending, too. I think it makes for a scarier ending if the demon makes Kate slits her own throat on camera, rather than waltzing away and disappearing. I didn't care for the brief "demon face" she showed in the theatrical ending, either. Also, great presentation on the Blu-ray. The disc starts up with a black screen presenting a choice of either cut, then goes right into the movie. You don't see a real, fancy menu until you're done watching. Nice touch. (6/10)
The Awakening (1990)
Aftermath (1994) directed by Nacho Cerdà
The Spanish answer to Flower of Flesh and Blood? I feel the same way about this film as I did about that infamous Japanese movie. They're both strangely beautiful to watch. I can imagine either movie playing in a loop at some underground art museum somewhere. Both feature exquisitely crafted human bodies, filled with blood and fat and realistic organs. True, Aftermath's bodies look and bounce like the latex rubber they're made out of, but the attention to detail helps cover that up a bit. Both lack any sort of narrative and are about a man becoming as intimate with another person as is possible. Interesting.
Genesis (1998) directed by Nacho Cerdà
Another art film from Cerdà, though not anywhere near as gory as Aftermath. A man sculpts a statue of his dead wife. Slowly, the statue begins to bleed and then show patches of real flesh, even as the sculptor begins to grow patches of marble on his own skin. Eventually, the statue and the sculptor have traded places. Though a tad slow, this one is also strangely beautiful. I wonder why Cerdà hasn't done any more full-length movies outside of The Abandoned since these fantastic shorts?
A man, only known as New Friend, is kidnapped by an insane family known only by the names used in the title of the film. They have a habit of snatching men, keeping them captive and punishing them if they don't obey the rules of the house (one of which is, of course, not to escape). Though that plot description makes the film sound like a Texas Chainsaw-style horror film, it's really more of a British version of the Addams Family. Replace the Addams' gothy style with that of proper English society, take away the family's awareness that what they say is blackly humorous and make Gomez the only sane one and there you go.The film is also a rather ridiculous male fantasy. We meet New Friend, pictured above, as he exits a party with a beautiful, voluptuous woman on his arm. Yeah, that guy pictured above. They encounter young Sonny and Girly, whose short skirt is all the encouragement New Friend needs to go along with them. New Friend's girlfriend is killed and he ends up a captive of the family. Once in Mumsy's dilapidated mansion, after unsuccessfully trying to escape, he makes short work of seducing all three of the women living there. In fact, he is such a Lothario that they begin killing each other over out of jealousy over him. Yeah, that guy pictured above. In the end, he decides to stay in the house (though with a weapon stashed under his pillow just in case). Who wouldn't?
A strange film. I'm not sure what to make of it. (6/10)
Paranormal Activity (2007) directed by Oren Peli
I wish films like this could scare me. I think you need to be a believer in the supernatural for them to have any affect, sadly. I feel the same way about The Exorcist. For me, it was very difficult to get into the film, because I couldn't help but imagine the hidden stage hands making loud noises in the background and pulling sheets off the bed. And I can't help but question the logic of the demon. What's his goal, really? If he has the power to burn houses down and physically drag people around, why does he spend weeks screwing around by going bump-in-the-night in some random couple's house? Why not go all out, possess the President and launch nukes all over the place? Maybe he's like the monsters in Monsters, Inc. and needs to build up their fear to use as energy?
Still, I can't deny the film was put together pretty well. The cycle of night terrors and relief during daylight is unrelenting. It was clever of them to have the demon eventually start doing things during the day, too, to take that daylight relief away. Micah's skeptical / pissed-off reactions to everything struck me as pretty realistic, up to a point. After watching the video of the demon lighting the Ouija board on fire, he should've calmed down a bit. I have to say I prefer the alternate ending, too. I think it makes for a scarier ending if the demon makes Kate slits her own throat on camera, rather than waltzing away and disappearing. I didn't care for the brief "demon face" she showed in the theatrical ending, either. Also, great presentation on the Blu-ray. The disc starts up with a black screen presenting a choice of either cut, then goes right into the movie. You don't see a real, fancy menu until you're done watching. Nice touch. (6/10)
The Awakening (1990)
Aftermath (1994) directed by Nacho Cerdà
The Spanish answer to Flower of Flesh and Blood? I feel the same way about this film as I did about that infamous Japanese movie. They're both strangely beautiful to watch. I can imagine either movie playing in a loop at some underground art museum somewhere. Both feature exquisitely crafted human bodies, filled with blood and fat and realistic organs. True, Aftermath's bodies look and bounce like the latex rubber they're made out of, but the attention to detail helps cover that up a bit. Both lack any sort of narrative and are about a man becoming as intimate with another person as is possible. Interesting.
Genesis (1998) directed by Nacho Cerdà
Another art film from Cerdà, though not anywhere near as gory as Aftermath. A man sculpts a statue of his dead wife. Slowly, the statue begins to bleed and then show patches of real flesh, even as the sculptor begins to grow patches of marble on his own skin. Eventually, the statue and the sculptor have traded places. Though a tad slow, this one is also strangely beautiful. I wonder why Cerdà hasn't done any more full-length movies outside of The Abandoned since these fantastic shorts?
17 October 2010
October 17th
Frozen (2010) directed by Adam Green
Effective as a thriller, even though there really isn't enough story for a full 90-minute movie. To fill in the gaps, we get a lot of character development... probably more than is necessary to humanize the victims of this horror tale. The premise is that three people are stuck way up on a chairlift with no hope of being rescued. With the characters stuck in four by one foot seat for days, they get a lot of talking in. The meat of the horror, however, is them (and us in the audience) trying to figure out what they're going to do to get off the lift. As expected, there's some frostbite involved, though not as much as you might think. There was also an unexpected pack of wolves, cuts from the lift cable and one of the grossest compound fractures I've seen in a movie. The one survivor of the ordeal was completely predictable -- the weak girl finding the strength to survive is a horror cliche -- but at least her journey to that point was an interesting watch nevertheless. (7/10)
Effective as a thriller, even though there really isn't enough story for a full 90-minute movie. To fill in the gaps, we get a lot of character development... probably more than is necessary to humanize the victims of this horror tale. The premise is that three people are stuck way up on a chairlift with no hope of being rescued. With the characters stuck in four by one foot seat for days, they get a lot of talking in. The meat of the horror, however, is them (and us in the audience) trying to figure out what they're going to do to get off the lift. As expected, there's some frostbite involved, though not as much as you might think. There was also an unexpected pack of wolves, cuts from the lift cable and one of the grossest compound fractures I've seen in a movie. The one survivor of the ordeal was completely predictable -- the weak girl finding the strength to survive is a horror cliche -- but at least her journey to that point was an interesting watch nevertheless. (7/10)
16 October 2010
October 16th
Once mine and Chef Gregory's kids were finally asleep for the night, it was time for some Halloween fun for the parents. For this second night of Chef's visit, I put together my traditional weekend trailer disc full of stuff I thought he'd get a kick out of. Particular hits were the Tucker & Dale vs Evil and Troll Hunter trailers, both of which look like great fun.
Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2010) trailer
Thanksgiving (2007) fake trailer
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror III: Clown Without Pity" (1992)
Zombieland (2009) directed by Ruben Fleischer
Well, I broke one of my Six Weeks of Halloween rules: no repeats. There are so many horror movies I need to watch, re-watching the same movie a second time during my short 42-day fest doesn't make any sense. I'd just watched Zombieland with a separate group of friends a few weeks ago. But, eh, what the hey? I couldn't deny that it makes for a perfect follow-up to yesterday's Ghostbusters and that it's a zombie movie even our wives would enjoy watching with us. I knew it was a guaranteed crowd-pleaser, so who am I to stand in the way of pleasing crowds?
I'm pretty sure, in the zombie apocalypse, I'd also be smashing the hell out of minivans and tourist traps. And looking for the last remaining sugary snacks that will ever be made. And shooting guns and driving big cars and living in Bill Murray's mansion. Damn, Tallahassee was right about everything. I sense a post-apocalyptic religion brewing. (8/10)
The Troll Hunter (2010) trailer
Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) trailer
Mime Massacre (2006)
Jacob's Ladder (1990) directed by Adrian Lyne
Somehow, this ended up being a hugely influential movie, even though I rarely hear people talk about it these days. Konami should be sending Adrian Lyne a royalty check for Silent Hill, for one. I'd told this to Chef before we started the film and maybe it skewed his expectations. He was thinking there would be a lot more weirdness in the film. There's really not a lot; the demons are few and far between (except for mostly normal-looking Jezzie). This is an excellent decision on the part of the filmmakers. Wall-to-wall weird stuff in this film would've muted its impact and made it much less memorable. As it is, the demons are more like the strange things you see out of the corner of your eye in real life. I've always liked the strange face staring out of the car that almost runs Jacob over in the alley. He and we only see it for a second, but, man... creepy. I feel like I've seen similar things myself when walking down the road.
Jacob's Ladder made me forever a Tim Robbins fan. Lyne gives us plenty of close-ups of Robbins' face because, I think, he knew Robbins could handle displaying just the right level of emotion for them without going overboard. We can see on Robbins' face the pain of loss or his determination not to die or terror in perfectly believable detail. Jacob's Ladder made me forever afraid of Elizabeth Peña. I saw her in Kathryn Bigelow's Blue Steel recently and, even though she was a good person and friend to the main character in that one, I couldn't see her as anything other than a demon. I know, I know, she's really an angel to Jacob, but she's so seemingly bad for him (inpatient and quick to anger) and cruel (referring to Gabe as "the dead one", burning his photos) that it's hard to view her as helping Jacob let go of his life.
Best re-imagining of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge ever. (9/10)
The Walking Dead (2010) trailer
Werewolves on Wheels (1971) trailer
How To Destroy Angels: "The Space in Between" (2010)
And, at the end of the night, I broke another Six Weeks rule when Chef Gregory and I popped in Black Dynamite. It's a movie that has nothing to do with horror or Halloween, but the Chef only visits once or twice a year and BD is too damned funny not to share.
Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2010) trailer
Thanksgiving (2007) fake trailer
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror III: Clown Without Pity" (1992)
Zombieland (2009) directed by Ruben Fleischer
Well, I broke one of my Six Weeks of Halloween rules: no repeats. There are so many horror movies I need to watch, re-watching the same movie a second time during my short 42-day fest doesn't make any sense. I'd just watched Zombieland with a separate group of friends a few weeks ago. But, eh, what the hey? I couldn't deny that it makes for a perfect follow-up to yesterday's Ghostbusters and that it's a zombie movie even our wives would enjoy watching with us. I knew it was a guaranteed crowd-pleaser, so who am I to stand in the way of pleasing crowds?
I'm pretty sure, in the zombie apocalypse, I'd also be smashing the hell out of minivans and tourist traps. And looking for the last remaining sugary snacks that will ever be made. And shooting guns and driving big cars and living in Bill Murray's mansion. Damn, Tallahassee was right about everything. I sense a post-apocalyptic religion brewing. (8/10)
The Troll Hunter (2010) trailer
Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) trailer
Mime Massacre (2006)
Jacob's Ladder (1990) directed by Adrian Lyne
Somehow, this ended up being a hugely influential movie, even though I rarely hear people talk about it these days. Konami should be sending Adrian Lyne a royalty check for Silent Hill, for one. I'd told this to Chef before we started the film and maybe it skewed his expectations. He was thinking there would be a lot more weirdness in the film. There's really not a lot; the demons are few and far between (except for mostly normal-looking Jezzie). This is an excellent decision on the part of the filmmakers. Wall-to-wall weird stuff in this film would've muted its impact and made it much less memorable. As it is, the demons are more like the strange things you see out of the corner of your eye in real life. I've always liked the strange face staring out of the car that almost runs Jacob over in the alley. He and we only see it for a second, but, man... creepy. I feel like I've seen similar things myself when walking down the road.
Jacob's Ladder made me forever a Tim Robbins fan. Lyne gives us plenty of close-ups of Robbins' face because, I think, he knew Robbins could handle displaying just the right level of emotion for them without going overboard. We can see on Robbins' face the pain of loss or his determination not to die or terror in perfectly believable detail. Jacob's Ladder made me forever afraid of Elizabeth Peña. I saw her in Kathryn Bigelow's Blue Steel recently and, even though she was a good person and friend to the main character in that one, I couldn't see her as anything other than a demon. I know, I know, she's really an angel to Jacob, but she's so seemingly bad for him (inpatient and quick to anger) and cruel (referring to Gabe as "the dead one", burning his photos) that it's hard to view her as helping Jacob let go of his life.
Best re-imagining of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge ever. (9/10)
The Walking Dead (2010) trailer
Werewolves on Wheels (1971) trailer
How To Destroy Angels: "The Space in Between" (2010)
And, at the end of the night, I broke another Six Weeks rule when Chef Gregory and I popped in Black Dynamite. It's a movie that has nothing to do with horror or Halloween, but the Chef only visits once or twice a year and BD is too damned funny not to share.
 |
| Almost makes winter worthwhile. |
15 October 2010
October 15th
Ghostbusters (1984) directed by Ivan Reitman
I still think this is my favorite horror-comedy of all time. It would be hard to beat this flick's "quotable lines per minute" rate, that's for sure.
This was also the very first movie watched with my new projector. Chef Gregory and his family came down for a visit, so I didn't have enough time to get it properly aligned. Still, even with the left side of the picture angled upwards, it was fun. Blu-rays look damned good projected. Playing Rock Band was surprisingly not sickening on the big screen, either. Not looking forward to buying an expensive replacement bulb down the line, though.
Time to hit the museum with the dinosaur bones, so let's cut this short. (9/10)
I still think this is my favorite horror-comedy of all time. It would be hard to beat this flick's "quotable lines per minute" rate, that's for sure.
This was also the very first movie watched with my new projector. Chef Gregory and his family came down for a visit, so I didn't have enough time to get it properly aligned. Still, even with the left side of the picture angled upwards, it was fun. Blu-rays look damned good projected. Playing Rock Band was surprisingly not sickening on the big screen, either. Not looking forward to buying an expensive replacement bulb down the line, though.
Time to hit the museum with the dinosaur bones, so let's cut this short. (9/10)
14 October 2010
October 14th
Stepfather II (1989) directed by Jeff Burr
Well, I think the Stepfather concept is probably best limited to one film. What else can you really do with it? Terry O'Quinn moves to a new town, finds a new single mom to woo and then goes crazy. It's probably not necessary to sit through such a story more than once, no matter how fun O'Quinn is to watch in the role.
I also have a theory that the Stepfather's organs are reversed. In the first film, he gets stabbed in the upper-left side of the chest. In the this one, he gets stabbed in that area twice, once with a wedding cake knife and a second time with the claw end of a hammer. There's no way his heart is on the left side. No way. He's definitely a reverse person. Maybe that's why he kills? (6/10)
Dance of the Dead (2008) directed by Gregg Bishop
The second Ghost House movie is a whole bunch of fun. I'm pretty confident this'll be one of those movies the high school-aged kids of today will get all nostalgic about twenty years from now. It has a feeling that reminds me of '80s horror movies from when I was a kid. Maybe this is partially because Dance of the Dead bears a little bit of similarity to The Return of the Living Dead. Both feature zombies -- and science class animals -- resurrected by some kind of toxic waste chemical, both are funny and both have the brains-eating type of zombies. This is also the first "fast zombie" movie where the speedy zombies didn't bother me. I especially liked the scene in which the dead literally fly out of their graves; it's quite beautiful. I'll be picking this one up. (8/10)
Saw IV (2007) directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
I'm so disappointed Jigsaw's really dead. That means the only way we get to see him in the next three movies is through conveniently discovered video and audio tapes. That's going to get had to buy by part VII. Weak. I'm sure there'll be more flashbacks featuring John Kramer as well, but I really can't imagine what else we need to know about the guy's past. This movie gives us his secret origin: a junkie killed his unborn son. I can't think of anything else we'd need know about him. Maybe the series will surprise me?
I do like that they're trying something new for every movie. It'd be very easy just to have Jigsaw teach a new set of people a lesson each movie as he did in the first. I suppose that's what he's still doing now, but at least it's from a different perspective. This time, he attempts to get Sgt. Rigg to help with his lessons. Which I found hard to swallow. Sure, Rigg is very motivated to avenge Kerry and find Det. Matthews. Sure, a guy who films himself raping and killing women is pure scum and deserves justice. But, strapping him into a Jigsaw device? Really, a policeman trying to stop Jigsaw is going to do that? I don't buy it. (6/10)
Well, I think the Stepfather concept is probably best limited to one film. What else can you really do with it? Terry O'Quinn moves to a new town, finds a new single mom to woo and then goes crazy. It's probably not necessary to sit through such a story more than once, no matter how fun O'Quinn is to watch in the role.
I also have a theory that the Stepfather's organs are reversed. In the first film, he gets stabbed in the upper-left side of the chest. In the this one, he gets stabbed in that area twice, once with a wedding cake knife and a second time with the claw end of a hammer. There's no way his heart is on the left side. No way. He's definitely a reverse person. Maybe that's why he kills? (6/10)
Dance of the Dead (2008) directed by Gregg Bishop
The second Ghost House movie is a whole bunch of fun. I'm pretty confident this'll be one of those movies the high school-aged kids of today will get all nostalgic about twenty years from now. It has a feeling that reminds me of '80s horror movies from when I was a kid. Maybe this is partially because Dance of the Dead bears a little bit of similarity to The Return of the Living Dead. Both feature zombies -- and science class animals -- resurrected by some kind of toxic waste chemical, both are funny and both have the brains-eating type of zombies. This is also the first "fast zombie" movie where the speedy zombies didn't bother me. I especially liked the scene in which the dead literally fly out of their graves; it's quite beautiful. I'll be picking this one up. (8/10)
Saw IV (2007) directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
I'm so disappointed Jigsaw's really dead. That means the only way we get to see him in the next three movies is through conveniently discovered video and audio tapes. That's going to get had to buy by part VII. Weak. I'm sure there'll be more flashbacks featuring John Kramer as well, but I really can't imagine what else we need to know about the guy's past. This movie gives us his secret origin: a junkie killed his unborn son. I can't think of anything else we'd need know about him. Maybe the series will surprise me?
I do like that they're trying something new for every movie. It'd be very easy just to have Jigsaw teach a new set of people a lesson each movie as he did in the first. I suppose that's what he's still doing now, but at least it's from a different perspective. This time, he attempts to get Sgt. Rigg to help with his lessons. Which I found hard to swallow. Sure, Rigg is very motivated to avenge Kerry and find Det. Matthews. Sure, a guy who films himself raping and killing women is pure scum and deserves justice. But, strapping him into a Jigsaw device? Really, a policeman trying to stop Jigsaw is going to do that? I don't buy it. (6/10)
13 October 2010
October 13th
Brotherhood of Blood (2007) directed by Michael Roesch & Peter Scheerer
The first of 8 Ghost House Underground movies released in 2008. Oh man, I hope this one isn't representative of the others. Brotherhood of Blood was crafted with the same care and quality that one would typically find in a Skinemax flick. Wretched acting, inept storytelling, a predictable twist, horrible vampire makeup and nauseating editing (do we really need 300 cuts per action scene?) come together to form an unholy stinker of a film. Let's put it this way: the very first person thanked in the credits at the end is Uwe Boll. 'Nuff said. (3/10)
Inferno (1980) directed by Dario Argento
What a disappointing sequel to Suspiria. Inferno retcons Helena Marcos from that prior film into being only one of three witches who somehow rule the world from New York, Rome and Freiberg, Germany. Inferno pursues the witch living in New York, the so-called Mother of Darkness. I think my main problem with Inferno is that there's not much of a story here. Suspiria's easily described as the story of young woman discovering evil things going on at her school. Inferno lacks that easy kind of hook. It's about a young man traveling to New York to investigate his sister's disappearance, but that's really only the last half of the film. Surrounding that, there's stuff going on with the other witch in Rome -- which doesn't even belong in this film, really -- a man being ridiculously attacked by cats (and killed by a hot dog vendor!), a woman swimming in a flooded basement and people being killed for reading the wrong book. Honestly, if the the book The Three Mothers is so dangerous to the the Three Mothers' cause, why did they wait so long to yank copies of it off the shelves? And, how are the Three Mothers controlling the world when they're so damned easy to kill? The first one is stabbed by a freakin' ballerina and the second one accidentally sets her own house on fire.
I was not surprised, after reading the IMDb trivia, to discover Argento was sick during the filming of this movie. His style is severely muted in this film, even compared to Deep Red. The murders are boring and not as graphic. The colors aren't as intense. There are fewer fancy shots. Goblin isn't doing the music. The whole movie feels like he just didn't have the energy for it. (6/10)
The first of 8 Ghost House Underground movies released in 2008. Oh man, I hope this one isn't representative of the others. Brotherhood of Blood was crafted with the same care and quality that one would typically find in a Skinemax flick. Wretched acting, inept storytelling, a predictable twist, horrible vampire makeup and nauseating editing (do we really need 300 cuts per action scene?) come together to form an unholy stinker of a film. Let's put it this way: the very first person thanked in the credits at the end is Uwe Boll. 'Nuff said. (3/10)
Inferno (1980) directed by Dario Argento
What a disappointing sequel to Suspiria. Inferno retcons Helena Marcos from that prior film into being only one of three witches who somehow rule the world from New York, Rome and Freiberg, Germany. Inferno pursues the witch living in New York, the so-called Mother of Darkness. I think my main problem with Inferno is that there's not much of a story here. Suspiria's easily described as the story of young woman discovering evil things going on at her school. Inferno lacks that easy kind of hook. It's about a young man traveling to New York to investigate his sister's disappearance, but that's really only the last half of the film. Surrounding that, there's stuff going on with the other witch in Rome -- which doesn't even belong in this film, really -- a man being ridiculously attacked by cats (and killed by a hot dog vendor!), a woman swimming in a flooded basement and people being killed for reading the wrong book. Honestly, if the the book The Three Mothers is so dangerous to the the Three Mothers' cause, why did they wait so long to yank copies of it off the shelves? And, how are the Three Mothers controlling the world when they're so damned easy to kill? The first one is stabbed by a freakin' ballerina and the second one accidentally sets her own house on fire.
I was not surprised, after reading the IMDb trivia, to discover Argento was sick during the filming of this movie. His style is severely muted in this film, even compared to Deep Red. The murders are boring and not as graphic. The colors aren't as intense. There are fewer fancy shots. Goblin isn't doing the music. The whole movie feels like he just didn't have the energy for it. (6/10)
12 October 2010
October 12th
Frogs (1972) directed by George McCowan
Courtesy of Hulu, it's an eco-horror movie fresh from the 1970s. I was really wondering how they were going to make toothless, small, squishy frogs threatening. Turns out they didn't bother. Despite the title, this is really about all of nature deciding to attack mankind. The titular frogs mostly just watch as their more lethal brothers -- snakes, gators, snapping turtles, etc. -- do the dirty work of killing the polluting monkeys in their midst. It's all rather boring in practice. Everyone once in a while, a member of the family featured in the film with fall prey to a critter in an incredibly improbable manner. For example, a lizard decides to knock bottles labeled "poison" (?) over while a man is in a greenhouse. Rather than, you know, leaving the greenhouse, the man sticks his face in the cloud of fumes arising from the broken bottles and dies. It's hard not to root for the killer lizard when my own species acts so stupidly. The frogs do get their chance at the end of the film by taking down the family's elderly, paralyzed patriarch. How they killed him by jumping all over him, I don't know.
I did get a kick out of seeing a young Sam Elliott as the hero of the film. Though lacking a bushy mustache or long hair, he's the same gruff guy I loved in Road House and The Big Lebowski. Anyway, not a bad way to waste time at work, I suppose. (5/10)
Tales from the Darkside: "The Odds" (1984) directed by James Steven Sadwith
Though it has the fantastic Danny Aiello and Tom Noonan in it, the episode isn't particularly special. A familiar-looking man keeps winning larger and larger bets with a bookie. We find out he's the ghost of a man who lost everything in a bet with this same bookie and then killed himself. As a final bet, the man bets that the bookie will die at 8 A.M. the next morning. The bookie wins by cheating and dies laughing, knowing no one ever beat him.
Noonan isn't as creepy as he would later be in Manhunter and The House of the Devil, so the episode comes across as rather low-key and nonthreatening. Not really a story from the Darkside; maybe something from the mauve-side.
Courtesy of Hulu, it's an eco-horror movie fresh from the 1970s. I was really wondering how they were going to make toothless, small, squishy frogs threatening. Turns out they didn't bother. Despite the title, this is really about all of nature deciding to attack mankind. The titular frogs mostly just watch as their more lethal brothers -- snakes, gators, snapping turtles, etc. -- do the dirty work of killing the polluting monkeys in their midst. It's all rather boring in practice. Everyone once in a while, a member of the family featured in the film with fall prey to a critter in an incredibly improbable manner. For example, a lizard decides to knock bottles labeled "poison" (?) over while a man is in a greenhouse. Rather than, you know, leaving the greenhouse, the man sticks his face in the cloud of fumes arising from the broken bottles and dies. It's hard not to root for the killer lizard when my own species acts so stupidly. The frogs do get their chance at the end of the film by taking down the family's elderly, paralyzed patriarch. How they killed him by jumping all over him, I don't know.
I did get a kick out of seeing a young Sam Elliott as the hero of the film. Though lacking a bushy mustache or long hair, he's the same gruff guy I loved in Road House and The Big Lebowski. Anyway, not a bad way to waste time at work, I suppose. (5/10)
Tales from the Darkside: "The Odds" (1984) directed by James Steven Sadwith
Though it has the fantastic Danny Aiello and Tom Noonan in it, the episode isn't particularly special. A familiar-looking man keeps winning larger and larger bets with a bookie. We find out he's the ghost of a man who lost everything in a bet with this same bookie and then killed himself. As a final bet, the man bets that the bookie will die at 8 A.M. the next morning. The bookie wins by cheating and dies laughing, knowing no one ever beat him.
Noonan isn't as creepy as he would later be in Manhunter and The House of the Devil, so the episode comes across as rather low-key and nonthreatening. Not really a story from the Darkside; maybe something from the mauve-side.
11 October 2010
October 11th
Suspiria (1977) directed by Dario Argento
What were the witches doing at the dance academy? Outside of desperately killing off anyone who knew anything about them, they weren't seen to be up to much witchery. Perhaps witchery isn't very profitable and they need a money-making venture to support their evil magic? But, why hang out in the academy, doing secret witch stuff in the same place where the students live, if discovery is such a huge issue?
It doesn't matter one bit. Logic doesn't matter to this movie. This is Argento determined to paint every frame with as much visual stimulation as possible while Goblin tries to do the same to your ears. It almost seems like Argento took what he liked doing in his previous giallo movies -- playing with the camera, the color schemes, the violence -- and threw out all of the stuff that wasn't so fun. There's a mystery and a killer in this film, like in a typical giallo, but they really only exist to motivate Suzy to walk down certain hallways or to generate colorful murders. The pretense of making a serious mystery is completely gone now. I much prefer it that way.
Jaded though I am, the murder at the beginning I found surprisingly intense. And, after buying the latest Rue Morgue, it occurred to me that it can be see as a remake or response to the shower scene from Psycho. It has most of the parts of the shower murder in it, but amped up a hundred times. Instead of a shadow approaching a curtain, we see the filthy hands of a maniac reaching for the woman. Instead merely implying the knife slicing into the victim, we're forced to see every single cut in perfect detail (including her exposed heart (!) being stabbed). Of course, the gray tones of Hitch's black and white photography have been replaced with the screaming color of Argento's. And, finally, instead of a woman dying and falling into a curtain, we see a woman dying , falling through a stained glass window and being hung by a wire. Brutal. (8/10)
What were the witches doing at the dance academy? Outside of desperately killing off anyone who knew anything about them, they weren't seen to be up to much witchery. Perhaps witchery isn't very profitable and they need a money-making venture to support their evil magic? But, why hang out in the academy, doing secret witch stuff in the same place where the students live, if discovery is such a huge issue?
It doesn't matter one bit. Logic doesn't matter to this movie. This is Argento determined to paint every frame with as much visual stimulation as possible while Goblin tries to do the same to your ears. It almost seems like Argento took what he liked doing in his previous giallo movies -- playing with the camera, the color schemes, the violence -- and threw out all of the stuff that wasn't so fun. There's a mystery and a killer in this film, like in a typical giallo, but they really only exist to motivate Suzy to walk down certain hallways or to generate colorful murders. The pretense of making a serious mystery is completely gone now. I much prefer it that way.
Jaded though I am, the murder at the beginning I found surprisingly intense. And, after buying the latest Rue Morgue, it occurred to me that it can be see as a remake or response to the shower scene from Psycho. It has most of the parts of the shower murder in it, but amped up a hundred times. Instead of a shadow approaching a curtain, we see the filthy hands of a maniac reaching for the woman. Instead merely implying the knife slicing into the victim, we're forced to see every single cut in perfect detail (including her exposed heart (!) being stabbed). Of course, the gray tones of Hitch's black and white photography have been replaced with the screaming color of Argento's. And, finally, instead of a woman dying and falling into a curtain, we see a woman dying , falling through a stained glass window and being hung by a wire. Brutal. (8/10)
10 October 2010
October 10th
28 Days Later (2002) directed by Danny Boyle
Mrs. K has been begging to watch this one again (last year, I suggested the remake of Dawn instead) -- for some reason -- and I finally relented this afternoon. I think most folks call this a zombie movie, even though none of the dead are doing any moving. If that's true, then I wonder where the zombie movie limit is? If people with what is effectively super-rabies are zombies, who else can we net into that category? I'm going to say they need something incurable to count. How about a terminal cancer patient doped up on painkillers? Maybe people with advanced syphilis who are crazy due to the holes in their brain tissue? People with severe alcoholism, perhaps? With zombies currently reigning as monster supreme in our culture, I guess we're lucky no wannabe zombie hunters have attacked AA meetings or hospitals.
Anyway, like most everyone, I love the first half and think the movie changes into something completely different when they get the military base. I do dig seeing the Ninth Doctor in other things, though. (7/10)
ZMD: Zombie of Mass Destruction (2009) directed by Kevin Hamedani
This was the Horrorfest movie I was most looking forward to this year, purely due to its name. I really should know better than that. It's a zombie comedy about a conservative small town that experiences a zombie plague. It's supposed to be a political satire in the same vein as Joe Dante's Masters of Horror episode "Homecoming" -- and it's even set in 2003 right after the Iraqi war began -- but the comedy just falls completely flat. The bad guys -- outside of the zombies -- are a conservative politician, a fire-and-brimstone preacher and redneck. The good guys are a gay couple, a liberal politician and an Iranian who is mistaken for an Iraqi constantly. With a cast of stereotypes, one would think the humor would be broad and silly and constant, right? Not really. The movie seems to spend a lot of its time attempting to tell serious stories: the Iranian is ashamed of her father's culture, one of the gay guys is scared of coming out to his mom, etc. This is punctuated occasionally by some admittedly fun gore effects that seem to be inspired by Evil Dead 2 (particularly, the mother's eyeball) and the aforementioned lame comedy. It's not a good mix. I spent most of the time bored or sighing at the stupidity of the politics of the film. (5/10)
And that was the final Horrorfest 4 movie. As is the average, I only liked two of the eight films this year: Dread and Kill Theory. But, that's really a microcosm of the horror fan's lot in life, isn't it? We watch tons and tons of bad movies in the hopes of discovering those gems or semi-gems that make it all worth it. Think I'll dive into those Ghost House
films next.
Saw III (2006) directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
While I'm not a huge fan of the movies themselves, I do like their continuity. This one picks up right after part II ends and proceeds to backfill more story into the previous two movies as it tells its own. There are also a couple of unexplained or unexpanded on bits -- Jigsaw's dreams of a blonde woman, for one -- that make me feel like they had a bunch of these sequels kind of mapped out already. It'll be interesting to find out how they bring Jigsaw back to life for the next 4 movies. It's hard to see how he could've predicted being cut in the throat by Jeff -- given all of the torture tools around -- in order to put a fake blood pack there. Then, again, Danny Glover survived the same injury in the first movie. Then again, he wasn't nearly dead from cancer at the time. I suppose part IV can retcon anything they need to explain it away, like Jigsaw knew Amanda would fail and had a backup assistant hiding and waiting to sew his throat closed. Well, I shall see.
Storywise, I had a hard time empathizing with Jeff, which makes his trials a little less than effective. Him dragging his feet for each victim, first yelling at them and crying before finally deciding to save them, seemed forced. His son died in a car accident in which the driver wept on the scene. C'mon. That sucks, but wouldn't it have been much more challenging if his son had been, I dunno, caught in a gangland drive-by shooting accidentally? That would've made his decisions to save the victims much more challenging.
Also, that twisty-rack device was about a thousand times more gory than anything so far in the series. This was released a year after the first Hostel. Maybe Saw decided to it needed to keep up to compete? I'll be curious if they keep pushing the envelope and if they can keep thinking of new devices without getting completely ridiculous. (6/10)
Mrs. K has been begging to watch this one again (last year, I suggested the remake of Dawn instead) -- for some reason -- and I finally relented this afternoon. I think most folks call this a zombie movie, even though none of the dead are doing any moving. If that's true, then I wonder where the zombie movie limit is? If people with what is effectively super-rabies are zombies, who else can we net into that category? I'm going to say they need something incurable to count. How about a terminal cancer patient doped up on painkillers? Maybe people with advanced syphilis who are crazy due to the holes in their brain tissue? People with severe alcoholism, perhaps? With zombies currently reigning as monster supreme in our culture, I guess we're lucky no wannabe zombie hunters have attacked AA meetings or hospitals.
Anyway, like most everyone, I love the first half and think the movie changes into something completely different when they get the military base. I do dig seeing the Ninth Doctor in other things, though. (7/10)
ZMD: Zombie of Mass Destruction (2009) directed by Kevin Hamedani
This was the Horrorfest movie I was most looking forward to this year, purely due to its name. I really should know better than that. It's a zombie comedy about a conservative small town that experiences a zombie plague. It's supposed to be a political satire in the same vein as Joe Dante's Masters of Horror episode "Homecoming" -- and it's even set in 2003 right after the Iraqi war began -- but the comedy just falls completely flat. The bad guys -- outside of the zombies -- are a conservative politician, a fire-and-brimstone preacher and redneck. The good guys are a gay couple, a liberal politician and an Iranian who is mistaken for an Iraqi constantly. With a cast of stereotypes, one would think the humor would be broad and silly and constant, right? Not really. The movie seems to spend a lot of its time attempting to tell serious stories: the Iranian is ashamed of her father's culture, one of the gay guys is scared of coming out to his mom, etc. This is punctuated occasionally by some admittedly fun gore effects that seem to be inspired by Evil Dead 2 (particularly, the mother's eyeball) and the aforementioned lame comedy. It's not a good mix. I spent most of the time bored or sighing at the stupidity of the politics of the film. (5/10)
And that was the final Horrorfest 4 movie. As is the average, I only liked two of the eight films this year: Dread and Kill Theory. But, that's really a microcosm of the horror fan's lot in life, isn't it? We watch tons and tons of bad movies in the hopes of discovering those gems or semi-gems that make it all worth it. Think I'll dive into those Ghost House
films next.Saw III (2006) directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
While I'm not a huge fan of the movies themselves, I do like their continuity. This one picks up right after part II ends and proceeds to backfill more story into the previous two movies as it tells its own. There are also a couple of unexplained or unexpanded on bits -- Jigsaw's dreams of a blonde woman, for one -- that make me feel like they had a bunch of these sequels kind of mapped out already. It'll be interesting to find out how they bring Jigsaw back to life for the next 4 movies. It's hard to see how he could've predicted being cut in the throat by Jeff -- given all of the torture tools around -- in order to put a fake blood pack there. Then, again, Danny Glover survived the same injury in the first movie. Then again, he wasn't nearly dead from cancer at the time. I suppose part IV can retcon anything they need to explain it away, like Jigsaw knew Amanda would fail and had a backup assistant hiding and waiting to sew his throat closed. Well, I shall see.
Storywise, I had a hard time empathizing with Jeff, which makes his trials a little less than effective. Him dragging his feet for each victim, first yelling at them and crying before finally deciding to save them, seemed forced. His son died in a car accident in which the driver wept on the scene. C'mon. That sucks, but wouldn't it have been much more challenging if his son had been, I dunno, caught in a gangland drive-by shooting accidentally? That would've made his decisions to save the victims much more challenging.
Also, that twisty-rack device was about a thousand times more gory than anything so far in the series. This was released a year after the first Hostel. Maybe Saw decided to it needed to keep up to compete? I'll be curious if they keep pushing the envelope and if they can keep thinking of new devices without getting completely ridiculous. (6/10)
09 October 2010
October 9th
Krackoon (2010) trailer
They Bite (1996) trailer
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror III: Dial 'Z' for Zombies" (1992)
Tales from the Crypt: "Two for the Show" (1993) directed by Kevin Hooks
Infidelity and spousal murder seem to come up a lot in TftC. This one was a bit different, due to the twist at the end. Typically, you expect the murdering husband or wife to be punished in some way at the end. Which does happen in this episode as well, but for only one of the guilty parties. Fairly clever plotting, I thought.
Office Space (1997) fake trailer
Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (1976) trailer
Aesop's Fables: "The Haunted Ship" (1930)
Frailty (2001) directed by Bill Paxton
For some reason, I didn't care for this movie so much when I watched it originally. I think I was put off by the ending. I guess I wanted Adam and his dad to be insane. It's scarier that way. It's very easy to imagine this type of religious insanity in real life. Thinking that the guy standing behind you at the grocery store might be imaging you're a demon that God wants him to kill is disturbing but not at all outside of the realm of possibilities.
After watching the movie a couple more times, I've come to like the idea that Adam and his dad really were doing God's work. It works well as a twist ending; I was not at all expecting the movie to take a supernatural turn. After spending the entire film with Fenton, imaging ourselves in his position, it's interesting to turn that around on the audience and make him into a demon. (8/10)
The Sinful Dwarf (1973) TV spot
House (1977) trailer
The Horrible Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (2008)
Near Dark (1987) directed by Kathryn Bigelow
Still my favorite vampire film of all time, though I will freely admit this may be partially due to my personality quirks rather than its cinematic quality. There's something about the mix of Tangerine Dreams' music, Bigelow's beautiful night photography, the mysteriousness of Mae, the wildness of Jesse and Severen, the pathos of poor Homer, the morality of Caleb -- it just plugs right into my brain. I don't really have much more to say about the film outside of what I wrote about it for previous Halloweens. (9/10)
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| That's one happy bat. |
08 October 2010
October 8th
Hidden (2009) directed by Pål Øie
I don't think I've ever watched a Norwegian film before. I got a kick out of listening to the language. It's supposedly the easiest language for an English speaker to learn and I can see why, given all of the cognates. The rest of the movie, I didn't quite enjoy so much. It's another one of those "is he crazy or not?" movies in which we're not sure if the killer exists only in the main character's head or not. Unfortunately, the killer barely appears at all. The movie seems to be mostly main character KK jumping at too-loud phone calls, finding inexplicable red balls and beating up a poor guy named Roy. It's really not hard to determine that KK's nuts and the killer exists only in his mind, just from his weird behavior. The movie's supposed to be an examination of KK's trauma from child abuse and his guilt from accidentally causing a fatal car accident, but I don't think it ever really comes together. (6/10)
I don't think I've ever watched a Norwegian film before. I got a kick out of listening to the language. It's supposedly the easiest language for an English speaker to learn and I can see why, given all of the cognates. The rest of the movie, I didn't quite enjoy so much. It's another one of those "is he crazy or not?" movies in which we're not sure if the killer exists only in the main character's head or not. Unfortunately, the killer barely appears at all. The movie seems to be mostly main character KK jumping at too-loud phone calls, finding inexplicable red balls and beating up a poor guy named Roy. It's really not hard to determine that KK's nuts and the killer exists only in his mind, just from his weird behavior. The movie's supposed to be an examination of KK's trauma from child abuse and his guilt from accidentally causing a fatal car accident, but I don't think it ever really comes together. (6/10)
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